No Hard Feelings

When I need a quick fix

I hit him up

with some fire pics

in all the poses he likes

I wonder if he notices

how specific I get

then I text some wild shit

he loves how I describe it

in depth

I just want to be desired

by only him

breathe in

remember the basis

of this relationship

is surface friendship

with benefits

and nothing else

I can't invest in

someone who is not willing

to invest in themself

I hate myself

for my inability

to leave

running

especially when I see

what's coming

like an addiction

I can't quit him

even if he's bad for my health

and now I'm stuck in this position

where I'm quite skilled at

swallowing my feelings

my pride

and my convictions

like jagged little pills

to recondition

denying

my heart rate quickens

I've gotten better at lying

that I'm unaffected

and seem a little less interested

be purposely inconsistent

essentially a contradiction

trying

not to be suspicious

when I hit him

that it's just to fuck him

and not because

I miss him

and crave his presence

but I'll settle for whatever this is

I'd rather have it than

nothing

I'll pretend I'm fine with it

while secretly wishing

but never admitting

biding my time

in silence

and fighting my instincts

luckily I'm so gifted

at dismissing my emotions

as if they never existed

that he'll never know the difference