Remain Unchanged

I temporarily gained

an aversion

for solitude

and surprisingly

I was in the mood

to be loved and held

but everyone was used to

the old version of me

that didn't know how

to accept touch

or never dealt with

how I felt

Am I not allowed to change

or grow

I feel

like veal

boxed in

left in the dark

ready for the slaughter

no one allots for

how it's so hard

to be naturally guarded

and still want for closeness

but I guess

everyone always wants you

until they have you

then they straddle the fence

wanting to see which side is greener

when it's greenest

wherever you water it

I can't afford to wait

for them to figure that out

nor do I deserve the apprehension

but honestly I'm not offended

I'm oddly relieved

to return

to that version of me

they're unknowingly requesting

there is a sense of validation

in that vague familiarity

in life's ability

to be cyclical

yet unpredictable

I know someone is going to hurt me

but I never know how

And in no time

I'm reminded

why I've taken solace

in my solitary confinement

because at least there

I know what to expect

I've grown accustomed

to the nothingness

found my sliver of light

amongst the darkness

and it's too late to readjust

to the brightness

What was I thinking

momentary lapse in judgment

opening up like this

as if

someone who matches

and reflects

my design

could ever really exist

be it friendship

or romantic

I'd be setting myself up

for disappointment

to think

I could discover

one who could

hold my interest

be reciprocative

and transparent

in their true colors

that's why I thrive in isolation

I'm never lonely when I'm alone

I'm loneliest with others