It Doesn't Matter

Funny how I started

a pros and cons list

but as I filled the columns

I realized

I was the problem

shame on me

for catching feelings

and saying aloud

what we

were both purposely

avoiding confessing

this unspoken connection

no one was mentioning

or admitting

What was I thinking

being affected

and confirming it

I thought you couldn't have

too much of a good thing

but I stand corrected

and the worst thing is

I stepped back and

I respected

the boundaries

you set

but did you really

set any

because we're still doing

all the same things

but some how they're different

that doesn't make any sense

but I won't read into it

or convey it

luckily I'm playing

my part

I'm quite the actress

I've perfected

going through the motions

because fuck my heart

right

I could care less about

nights we've spent

immersed in depth

with mutual mindfulness

who cares about high intensity energy

or being

so on the same wave length

we unintentionally

finish each other's sentences

disregard the hours filled with

not a single touch

but countless philosophies

the ways you penetrated my consciousness

before you ever did my body

But yeah

we'll just

focus on the sex

that's all it is

simply fucking

merely casual

let's both be

oblivious

it's not effortlessly natural

or mind blowing

or knee buckling

or like an outer body experience

it's definitely

not one of a kind

anything could compare to this

there's no feelings involved on either end

oh wait yes there is

How much could be swept under the rug

before the rug starts to lift

is it not obvious

will you have to trip over it

for you to acknowledge it

when will I reach my limit

I swear

you're a bottomless pit

because I've been in a constant

state of falling

and I've gotten nowhere

is this it

suspended in air

do you even notice

me there

in that place in between

trying harder and giving up

amidst the abyss

which consists

of all your damages