I miss blissful ignorance

I'm simply shadowy remnants 

of what once was blissful ignorance

pessimism hardly defines the darkness that has swallowed up 

my positive perspective

what I wouldn't give

to get it back

to see things through those 

rose colored glasses again

to think that everything happens 

for a reason

back to blind faith

the benefit of the doubt

to second chances

I rarely give first chances now

The few who are in my circle 

feel slighted by my minimal effort 

not knowing this is me putting in work

and doing the most

this is maximum energy on my end 

but it is misread

because everyone is neglecting to realize

this is who I am

I'm never going be who I was before this 

although that's what everyone is requesting

and unfairly expecting 

it's less a concern for me

and more that they need me to be okay 

for a sense of normality

so to them this version of me 

is just a phase

or it's me going through the stages

but despite what they believe

this is not grief

it is the end result

There is no more healing 

only dealing 

with who I've become

numbness and lows

followed by short spurts 

of manic highs

where I don't quite feel alive

but I've managed to find 

the right hair, make up and outfit combination 

to endure obligatory socialization 

a few drinks

and a consistent high

to calm my nerves

to keep me light 

I really do try

and still I'm barely present

barely pleasant

physically there yet mentally distancing

hearing but hardly listening

heartbeat quickening

anxiety crippling 

looking for the first opportunity to escape

before I'm triggered by something someone will do or say

and it's usually only a matter of time

it's inevitable 

even if it's unintentional 

then I can't refrain from resenting them

because I'm incapable 

of seeng past my own unrelenting pain 

and I become reckless and unnecessarily profane

and destructive and irrational 

like a wounded animal

I'm unpredictable 

So more often than not it's best if I isolate

if I keep my space

because handling broken things is never safe

and I want to spare them 

from the false hope

that they can put me back together

what they cannot see is 

I'm not just in pieces

I'm more than shattered 

I'm obliterated

it is impossible to find all the parts of something that has eroded or disintegrated

best intentions and effort aside

I'll never be whole because 

something that has been incinerated can never be put back how it was